Stinky

Amid the gloomy financial/economic headlines, I found this story that made me laugh.

"Man Charged With Battery for Farting on Cop"

Jose Cruz had been arrested for drunk driving and was sitting in the police station awaiting a sobriety test. As the patrolman was preparing the machine, Jose scooted his chair toward the cop, "lifted his leg, and passed gas loudly" according to the "victim."

Next thing you know poor Jose is charged with battery. He's just a drunk Mexican trying to have a little fun. My guess is that he's "battered" his kids a number of times like this and they all thought it was hilarious. I know I was "battered" by my dad on a number of occasions. In the car. On the couch. At the dinner table. My dad was always "battering" us kids. I didn't know I could prosecute.

Anyway, Officer Parsons didn't think it was very funny. "The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting and provoking nature" he said in his complaint. So he's saying that Jose's gas actually made contact with him? Dude. That is crazy gas. Maybe a few too many refried beans and chile rellenos for Mr. Jose.

Jose did acknowledged passing gas but said the cop wouldn't allow him to go to the bathroom and complained: "I just couldn't hold it anymore." Now Jose could be facing time in prison, and could possibly even end up in the gas chamber.

Sorry - I couldn't help myself.

Lets Talk Race

There are a few things getting on my nerves during this political season. One is the term "Hockey Mom". I'm about to turn anti-Palin with all the hype surrounding her. I seriously heard some Republican Senator hyping Sarah Palin in these words: "She's a great woman, she's a great Governor, she's a great hunter, and she's a great mom." Okay. I'll definitely vote for her now that I know she's a great hunter. What does that have to do with anything? All these pictures of her sitting next to a big moose she just killed are silly. But I guess that really influences people.



Then the guy went on to say that she has foreign policy experience because Russia is close to Alaska. C'mon Republicans, you can do better than that. Are we that desperate to come up with reasons why Sarah Palin is a good candidate? She's a good hunter and can see Russia from her state? I've watched some stuff and read some stuff about her and what she did in Alaska and she is very impressive. There is enough there to focus on, and enough positive qualifications between McCain and Palin to warrant a vote, despite Palin's rather annoying voice and accent. She seems more like a character out of the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous" than a VP candidate but that's okay. And Hockey Mom is so trendy now and everyone thinks they're clever when the say Hockey Mom.



The other thing bugging me is this talk about racism affecting Obama's chances...and the discussion of racism in America in general. This discussion needs to stop. I think it only perpetuates racism and allows it to continue when it has a chance of being extinguished in today's society. I'm sure there are a number of racist white people out there that still discriminate and are condescending toward blacks. But they are an extreme minority. My guess is that there are a lot fewer racists than there are blacks, and if blacks allow that racist minority to affect their success and lifestyle in America, that's their own problem they need to deal with themselves. So what if every time I see a black person in an expensive car I think to myself, "they must be an athlete or a rapper."

Now the interesting statistic. Barack Obama received 90% of the black votes in the primaries running against Hillary. 90%! And it's not like he was running against some "oppressive" middle-aged wealthy white businessman. No. He was running against a woman who was loved in the black community. If there was one white person out there that could threaten Obama's success against blacks it would be a Clinton. Bill was often referred to as the first black president because of the affinity the black community had for him. But instead, black people turned out in record numbers and 90% voted for Obama. So who is racist? The majority of the white population, or the majority of the black population? Think if Hillary got 90% of the white vote. What an uproar would occur. "Oh, the racism. White's won't vote for Obama! How terrible!" Instead, Hillary only got about 50% of the white vote, yet race is still discussed as a potential obstacle for Obama. It's not fair that the American public continues to be pinned as racists. That we're not intelligent enough to make decisions based on issues and not a person's color. Of course there are a few that will still let race be an issue to them, but it is a minority. It is the large majority of the black population that will only vote for a black person that I think should be scorned.

If Kobe Bryant were running for president, I'd vote for him.

Life's Hurdles

Harsh critics. Geeez.

"Jumping Turtle. You don't post for like a month, and then you throw some crappy posting up about Hannah Montana and hurricanes. You suck!"

That's what people have been saying to me. Just because I have a hard shell on the outside, doesn't mean I'm not soft and sensitive in the middle. Well, here you go. Now you can laugh at me even more than you already do. I didn't want to have to do this but redemption calls for it.

It was a hot summer afternoon. I was 15 years old, and I had just finished my events at the regional track meet. I was on the track team which means I wore track shorts. Those of you who have seen my legs, now imagine them poking out of track shorts and you have your first laugh. Congratulations. I hope you enjoy it. Let's just say my legs don't look like Jackie Joyner Kersey's.



More like the guy from "A Nightmare Before Christmas."



Anyway, I thought I was done with my events. I stuck to the jumps - high jump, triple jump, and long jump - I wasn't much of a runner. All of a sudden the coach approached me and asked if I would be able to fill in on the 400 yd. hurdles. One of our guys couldn't make it. "Sure" I said. I was honored he asked me. I remember thinking, "This is going to be cake. I can jump, and I can run around the track one time no problem. I wouldn't be surprised if I win this thing." Remember, this was a regional meet, not just local. In other words, the rich white boys and asian kids I was used to competing against had been replaced by the black man who was counting on his athleticism to send him to college and, if things go well, provide a career. Whatever, I could hang.

I warmed up a little. Did some approaches to the hurdles. Hopped over a few to get an idea of the height. Did some stretching. I could touch my toes back then. It was sweet. We had this retarded kid on our track team - Patrick. He was special. He ran in a few of the races, including the 400 hurdles, and everyone cheered loud for him. He always came in last place, but all the cheers brought a big smile to his face and he must have been happier than the guy who finished first.

Time to get in the blocks. I settled in with my head down and my fists on the track waiting for the gun to pop. BANG! I was off. Screw pacing myself. This is only 400 yards. I sprinted out of the blocks and over the first hurdle. The second hurdle. The third. "Alright. It's a little harder to run and jump like this, but I'm okay. Just 7 more." By about the 5th hurdle I was really struggling. I had no rhythm. I would approach a hurdle and stutter step and then just jump over it. I think I started knocking some of them down with my knobby knees. I was even tempted to just run into them and keep running. By this time, everyone had passed me up except Patrick. It was just me and him out there bringing up the rear. I jumped over the 8th hurdle and the 9th. Then I heard the cheering start getting louder and louder. The leaders had crossed a long time ago. What was all the cheering about? "Uh oh. The retarded kid is about to pass me up isn't he?" I thought to myself. The cheering got louder. I glanced to my right and there he was inching past me as we approached the 10th hurdle. He lept over it like a gazelle with a big grin on his face. The moral dilemma presented itself. Do I try and pick up the pace, save face, and beat this guy. Or do I let him run to his first 2nd to last place in his track career. Then I realized I had no choice. Not because I'm some superior moral being and knew it would be the right thing to do to let him win. No. I was just too tired. Even if I wanted to try and catch up with him I couldn't. So I hobbled over the 10th hurdle like the cricket you just threw in the toilet that's trying to jump up the wall of the toilet to get out of the water but he can't, so he just gives up and you flush. I crossed the finish line. My face was red because I was embarrassed and I was really tired of running. My team was surrounding Patrick congratulating him on his first second to last. He was happier than I'd ever seen him.

I didn't get any scholarship offers to USC that day. But I guess I made someone happy. I hope he remembers that day - cause I sure do.

And Jumping Turtle was born.

Hannah

Whoops. It's been a little while. Jumping Turtle went into hybernation. He's awake now, but kind of groggy, so he might go back to sleep.

Quick...what's the first thing you think of when you see that name - Hannah? I saw a headline today that said "Hannah Overwhelms Haiti." I thought to myself, "That's weird. I didn't know Haitians were big Hannah Montana fans." Then I saw the picture accompanying the headline and it turns out Hannah is a hurricane. That makes more sense, although it wouldn't surprise me if Hannah Montana overwhelmed Haiti with those big blue eyes, and gleaming white teeth. SO cute.

Were you like me? Was Hannah Montana the first thing you thought of? Sad...unless you're Hannah Montana - then it's happy. You know they name those hurricanes in alphabetical order. So I was glad when Hannah started making headlines, cause I was sick of hearing about some guy named Gustav. That sounds more like a creepy Romanian guy that unbuttons his shirt to his navel, not a hurricane.

Anyway, I'm glad I got my Hannahs all straightened out. As long as I don't see this headline in the near future, I should be okay:

"Miley Threatens the Gulf Coast."