The Calendar!

Did you guys hear about this? Last week a gay guy I work with comes to me and says, "So. That Mormon guy who made the calendar got kicked out of your church, huh?" I didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said this Mormon guy took a bunch of pictures of good looking missionaries with their shirts off and made a calendar, and now he's excommunicated. Then I remembered I had posed for that calendar a few years ago, but didn't think anything ever came of it.

Sure enough, the next day on MSN I see this headline: "Mormon Excommunicated for Missionary Calendar." I clicked on it and it brought up a list of search results profiling the story. Sure enough, on the first page of results were links to SanFranciscoGate.com and QueensSpeech.com. Hmmm. Interesting. What does that tell you about the calendar's customer base? Let's just say, I don't think Miamaids were driving the sales.

After reading about the calendar and the guy who made it, I went back to the guy I work with and talked to him about it. He's always interested in Mormonism so he asked why someone would be excommunicated for just making a calendar. I explained that from what I read, I could tell the guy was not very repentant and that it seemed like that's what he wanted to happen. Then he said that the calendar was very popular in the gay community because Mormon Missionaries are innocent and forbidden.

That's just great!

At first I just thought the guy who created this calendar was just a bonehead. Probably less active and looking for some cash. I could almost give him credit for coming up with a pretty marketable idea. But no matter what his feelings about the church are, there has to be a sacriligious line you just don't cross. These missionaries are on a sacred assignment and he knows that. Like, even though I'm not Jewish, I wouldn't wipe with a Yamaka cause I know it's a sacred symbol of their religion. This guy should have censored himself.

Perhaps he thought he was creating a mormon Abercrombie catalogue for little girls to giggle at. But instead he got his product on the shelves next to the Barbara Streisand CD for all the gay community to drool and fantasize over. Nice work Brother. Maybe he didn't anticipate his customer base. Oh wait....it just dawned on me. He is part of that customer base. It's so clear now.

Well, my gay friend went on to tell me that supposedly his next calendar is going to be called Mormon Muffins or something. A bunch of hot Mormon housewives and their favorite recipies.

Now that's brilliant.

Politically Incorrect Email

Whenever I write an email, (a profesisonal email at least) I sign it:

Regards,

Jumping Turtle.

But yesterday, I hit a 't' instead of 'g' in 'regards' so it said.

Retards,

Jumping Turtle.

Whoops. I should have at least signed it:

Mentally Disableds,

Jumping Turtle.

Or better yet:

Mongoloids,

Jumping Turtle.

Then it would have been less offensive. Hopefully the person I sent it to doesn't have a retarded kid or anything.

Talula Does The Hula

I'll give you three guesses. What is "Talula Does The Hula."

A. The newest doll from Mattel, that can actually do the hula.
B. A Hawaiian girl's name.
C. A cartoon on the Disney Channel.

I'm sure all you savvy test takers remember how to answer a multiple choice question you're unsure of. If so, and you answered 'B', you are correct. Isn't the timing precious? I just got done making fun of black people and Mormons for naming their kids weird names like Kannon Ball and Comfort and then I come across this story today. A New Zealand couple actually named their daughter Talula Does The Hula. Hold on a second while I stop laughing. It's hard to write and laugh. For some reason this is the funniest thing I've ever read. I keep picturing this sweet newly married couple, excited about their daughter soon to be born, going through name books and making lists of possible names. But none of them feel right for their daughter. Their daughter deserves a more unique name. Finally it dawns on them:

"Honey, I've got it. Talula Does the Hula. That's it!"

"Oh Sweetheart. You're a genius. That's why I married you."

Passion ensues.

"And if it's a boy, Makamaka husks a coconut."

"Oh baby."

Really? You really want to name your daughter Talula Does The Hula? I have so many questions. Which one's her middle name, Does or The? Is the couple's last name really 'Hula' or did they just totally forgo all tradition and leave the last name off because it wasn't a noun, verb, preposition, or dance style? How's this girl supposed to fill out any form, application, or school apptitude test? You know they have a certain number of boxes and spaces for your name. My parents decided to give me a first name and then call me by my middle name. This has presented difficulties in filling out various forms, etc., but I can only imagine what poor Talula Does The Hula will have to encounter. Mostly though, I just really think it's funny and I keep laughing.

We'll by now Talula is 9 years old and a judge in New Zealand had had enough of people naming their kids whacked out names. So he actually made TDTH a ward of the court so he could change her name. This judge wasn't messing around. Here's what he had to say:

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," he wrote. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

Wow! These parents were born with a totally perfect and able child and they actually made her handicap by naming her Talula Does The Hula. That is totally inexcusable...unless they got a sweet blue handicap parking pass for it.

Apparently, this girl was so embarrassed about her name that she never even told her closest friends. She just told them to call her 'K.' I don't quite understand this decision by the girl because she has almost every letter in the alphabet in her name except for 'K' and that's the one she picked as her nickname. I'll cut the poor girl some slack though...afterall she is disabled.

Interestingly enough, New Zeland law does not allow parents to name their children names that will cause offense to a reasonable person. Recently New Zealand officials blocked the following names. It just keeps getting better. Here are the names:

Fish and Chips
Yeah Detroit
Keenan Got Lucy
(and my personal favorite)
Sex Fruit

C'mon mom. You're going to name your daughter Sex Fruit? (I assume it was a daughter, but who knows.) What kind of life are you anticipating for your child? Fish and Chips is pretty funny too. Personally, I think my Father-in-law would love a son named Fish and Chips. Poor a little vinegar on that kid and you might as well be riding a Double-Decker bus through London. Yeah Detroit is interesting given this is New Zealand, although the Pistons, Tigers, and Red Wings have been pretty good the last few years. I don't get the Keenan Got Lucy one, but hopefully Lucy is a hot girl and not slang for a Maori STD or anything. Please be assured I am not making any of this up.

The story goes on to say that tragically, a few names have slipped under the radar without being stopped. One of those is: Number 16 Bus Shelter.

Whatever. Anyway, good stuff going on down there in New Zealand. I'm torn though. Even though these parents are nuts, I don't think I like the courts getting involved in what people name their children. That seems like a little too much beaurocracy for my liking. Then again, if people are "irresponsible" enough to require the government's intervention I guess that's what they get.

What do you guys think?

No Son of Mine

First of all, I hate when bloggers go out of town, and then they come back and write something like: "I'm really sorry I haven't posted for awhile. I know you've missed me, but I've been out of town and I'm back! Yeah!" Really? I'm glad you think so highly of yourself Mr./Mrs. Blogger. I am now deleting the link to your blog from my blog so pppplllllllllll. (That's the sound of me sticking out my toungue and blowing the fart sound.)

Hello. My name is Jumping Turtle and I watch "So You Think You Can Dance."

"Hi Jumping Turtle."

Yes. It's true. My wife began watching this show a few seasons ago and we have watched it together ever since. "But Jumping Turtle!" you say, "didn't you just lament the lack of testosterone in your work place in the last post?" I did. Please forgive the hypocrisy as I set aside a few hours each week to watch a show whose crowd is made up of 15 year old girls screaming for feminie men in tight pants. As if to offer some redemption on my part, I do not watch "Shear Genious," "America's Next Top Model," "Project Runway," or "Top Chef," all of which magically make their way onto our DVR.

If any of you watch the "SYTYCD," as we call it, hopefully you're all as annoyed as I am that Comfort is back. First of all, that name is retarded. Why do black people think they can name their kids anything they want to. I know it's your kid but give the kid a break. Come to think of it, Mormons aren't much better. I just talked to a Mormon guy who is naming his son Kannon, "with a 'K'." he said. "That's not that bad," you say to yourself. Maybe not, but the guy's last name is Ball.

Anyway, I don't really care to talk about the show and its contestants as much as I care to reveal a secret intention of mine. I am keeping my son as far away from dance as possible. I do not want a son that is a male dancer. Those guys are freaks. Every week, I see them in these pants that are ridiculous. I swear if the US Olympic Swim Team wore those pants instead of the neoprene speedo body suits they wear, they'd be breaking world records all day long. Trust me, if there was any manhood left in any of these male dancers, it just got suffocated by those pants. Then the way they have to walk and stick out their hips and butt is just plain silly. That's not how people walk. Let me just say, the hip-hop dancers in the competition are pretty sweet, and if my white boy son miraculously has some incredible knack for head spinning, maybe I'll let him pursue it. But that's it. I want to go watch my kid turn a double play. I want to watch him go for the green in two on a long par 5 - when he's 4 years old. I want to see him dunk a basket ball. I want to see him spike a volleyball off the 10 foot line and watch the ball hit the ceiling of the gym. Of course I'll love my son no matter what passion he pursues...blah, blah, blah. But those pants look really uncomfortable and I just want my boy to be comfortable, that's all.

Also, I want my son to be straight. I saw a statistic recently that stated as soon as you sign a boy up for a ballet class, his chances of being straight become 0%. Those aren't good odds. Please don't try and tell me that Benji, the winner of the 2nd season, the Mormon kid from Redlands who talked about his mission all the time, is straight. All I know is that I wouldn't want to be taking a shower at the tree of life at the MTC next to that guy. "I think I'll opt for the handicap stall this morning, Elder."

That's pretty much it. One last thought on the show. I know that Will guy has a great body but can someone tell wardrobe to put a shirt on that guy so I can focus on his dancing and hot his perfect abs. Thank you.



No son of mine.

My Very Own

Things happen in my life that are worth writing down. Whether or not they are worth reading is for you to decide. I enjoy writing enough to record some of my thoughts and stories; but I'm lazy enough to not keep a journal. I do have a few journals with an entries on January 1st of any given year...but that's usually it.

I don't like the new hands-free law for cell phones in cars cause I've never been a big fan of the guy who wears the little blue-tooth headset piece. That guy seems like a turkey. But now I am that guy...plus I still swerve into the next lane while I'm dialing the number. Texting while driving seems more dangerous than talking on the phone while driving, but now I have been encouraged to text while I drive because the cop can't really see me texting if I hold the phone low enough. Actually, I think it still might be legal to text while driving. But my wife usually gets mad at me when I do that now that we have a baby in the car. For some reason it didn't bother her as much when we didn't have a baby in the car. She didn't really mind if I endangered our lives, but she doesn't like me to endanger Axel's life and I agree with her.


I want you all to understand the atmosphere I work in. We have a meeting every morning to catch up on new patients and other issues that need to be brought to everyone's attention. This morning in our meeting, one nurse was giving an update on a patient. All of a sudden another nurse let out a big gasp in the middle of the report. It seemed that she was really excited that the lady in 502A had a loose stool last night. Maybe that's something she had been waiting for. But then she was looking at her left hand...and I could tell she was actually looking at her ring finger. She was in a panic. Her diamond was gone! "Oh wait...it's right here on the table in front of me." It had just fallen out and she had not lost it. Phew! But wait. Now she is crying. Why? Everyone is a little speechless and confused. "Don't worry. You found your diamond." We all say collectively. She continues to cry and wave her hands at her face to try and collect herself like Mike Myers when he was vaclempt (sp?). Everyone just looked around at each other. Me, our maintenance man, and 11 women. "Can I get some testosterone in here please?"