Hello. My name is Jumping Turtle and I watch "So You Think You Can Dance."
"Hi Jumping Turtle."
Yes. It's true. My wife began watching this show a few seasons ago and we have watched it together ever since. "But Jumping Turtle!" you say, "didn't you just lament the lack of testosterone in your work place in the last post?" I did. Please forgive the hypocrisy as I set aside a few hours each week to watch a show whose crowd is made up of 15 year old girls screaming for feminie men in tight pants. As if to offer some redemption on my part, I do not watch "Shear Genious," "America's Next Top Model," "Project Runway," or "Top Chef," all of which magically make their way onto our DVR.
If any of you watch the "SYTYCD," as we call it, hopefully you're all as annoyed as I am that Comfort is back. First of all, that name is retarded. Why do black people think they can name their kids anything they want to. I know it's your kid but give the kid a break. Come to think of it, Mormons aren't much better. I just talked to a Mormon guy who is naming his son Kannon, "with a 'K'." he said. "That's not that bad," you say to yourself. Maybe not, but the guy's last name is Ball.
Anyway, I don't really care to talk about the show and its contestants as much as I care to reveal a secret intention of mine. I am keeping my son as far away from dance as possible. I do not want a son that is a male dancer. Those guys are freaks. Every week, I see them in these pants that are ridiculous. I swear if the US Olympic Swim Team wore those pants instead of the neoprene speedo body suits they wear, they'd be breaking world records all day long. Trust me, if there was any manhood left in any of these male dancers, it just got suffocated by those pants. Then the way they have to walk and stick out their hips and butt is just plain silly. That's not how people walk. Let me just say, the hip-hop dancers in the competition are pretty sweet, and if my white boy son miraculously has some incredible knack for head spinning, maybe I'll let him pursue it. But that's it. I want to go watch my kid turn a double play. I want to watch him go for the green in two on a long par 5 - when he's 4 years old. I want to see him dunk a basket ball. I want to see him spike a volleyball off the 10 foot line and watch the ball hit the ceiling of the gym. Of course I'll love my son no matter what passion he pursues...blah, blah, blah. But those pants look really uncomfortable and I just want my boy to be comfortable, that's all.
Also, I want my son to be straight. I saw a statistic recently that stated as soon as you sign a boy up for a ballet class, his chances of being straight become 0%. Those aren't good odds. Please don't try and tell me that Benji, the winner of the 2nd season, the Mormon kid from Redlands who talked about his mission all the time, is straight. All I know is that I wouldn't want to be taking a shower at the tree of life at the MTC next to that guy. "I think I'll opt for the handicap stall this morning, Elder."
That's pretty much it. One last thought on the show. I know that Will guy has a great body but can someone tell wardrobe to put a shirt on that guy so I can focus on his dancing and hot his perfect abs. Thank you.
No son of mine.
6 comments:
You just screwed yourself Cort. Axel (was that your attempt at a masculine name?) will be a dancer and a gay one at that.
P.S. Lay off my love of chocolate man bodies--shirts off please.
P.P.S. Comfort must go.
Nice Freudian slip on Will's abs. Perhaps you do protest too much. You know you secretly like it.
And for the record, this whole dancing bit is not an opinion JT and I share (much like whether or not we will censor our children's reading). I don't plan on forcing our boys into dance, but if that is what they WANTED to do, that would be totally fine with me. I think it's a chicken and egg situation. Does the dance make you gay or does the gay make you dance?
Agreed JT. Maybe he could do tap. I knew some straight white guys who were great at tap. But just don't over-react if Ax decides to play dress-up one day...in a dress... including make-up. We have pictures of a few different instances of your brother KAG going there and I think he's pretty much as straight as they come.
K how many times have I had to tell you not to use the F word! Especially when your grandma's reading jt :). I'm pretty sure you get in life exactly what you need to learn so don't be surprised when the a-man begs to take ballet lessons...
Freudian slip up on the abs Cort? They always say you fear the most what you are yourself... or something like that. Those abs were pretty nice...
Ross will love this. Quite the funny blog you've got here.
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